I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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