im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
