I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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