You made me cry and you don't even care
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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