I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
