yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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