Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
