she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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