I can't watch pbs sober anymore
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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