Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
