Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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