see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
