is your mom at the bar?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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