fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
