I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize