He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
