Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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