im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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