guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
