i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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