I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
