Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Randomize
