I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
