It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
