have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
