The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
