the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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