1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
