dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
