We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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