I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
