you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
