What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I could make wine with my vomit
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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