The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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