Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize