my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It's just like the Real World with babies
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
