Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
