Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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