In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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