my being single is dangerous.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
MIDGETS
????
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
