Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
