You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
