I want to walk on stilts...naked
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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