ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
