Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
