I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
