Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
