got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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