Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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