if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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