Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You can't motorboat a personality
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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