My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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