worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
