i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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