I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
