I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
