It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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