yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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