I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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