there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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