I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
