What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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