My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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