I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
