Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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