Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
