watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
