youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
