I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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