It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
